Already got asked if we're dating
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
