If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
