I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
