grandma shit on top of the toilet
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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