Midget sex pt 2 tonight
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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