I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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