The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
