God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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