Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
