After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
