i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
