I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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