so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You left your phone here
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