I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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