your parents love me but you hate me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
