Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
