At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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