I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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