dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
