if i died would you start the facebook group?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
