I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
