I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
