evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's rum buckets o'clock
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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