it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
