How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
