how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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