Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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