Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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