New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
