I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He better not be in your backpack
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
