At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
