so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
