i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
