Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
