I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
