Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
