I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
