at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
