On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
