thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When are your genitals available?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
