idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
