i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
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I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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