i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
