I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
