once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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