I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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