Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize