I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
