I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
