so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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