ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
