Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
