Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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