I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
