I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
