haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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