how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
