Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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