life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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