I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
