I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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